Last week was mental health awareness week and so instead of my planned daytime naps post, I wanted to share with you some of my story relating to post natal depression.
This is still very raw, but I am finally at a stage where I am able to speak more openly about this, which I feel shows progression.
I will add a disclaimer here and say I am not a doctor and some things that I will mention are my thoughts rather than anything else.
My story
Looking back now, to most people it may have been quite clear that I would suffer from post natal depression, but I didn't see it myself, and nor was I considered a risk by my midwife. In July 2013 I was diagnosed with work related stress and prescribed medication. By some kind of act of God I chose to not take that medication, and instead addressed the cause of the issue by speaking to my work about this.I am thankful that this is the path I took, because at that time I was in fact pregnant, but simply didn't realise it yet. However, going into a pregnancy already struggling, I was of course predisposed to these types of conditions.
My husband was in a job he wasn't happy in when I fell pregnant, and at the point when I was 20 weeks pregnant, so half way through my pregnancy , he decided to leave his job. He didn't find another position until the week before my due date-the fist day of my maternity leave. Some people could probably cope with this well, but with me being the only earner in the house, and having to work so close to my due date I had absolutely no time to focus on becoming a Mum, or what I thought having a baby would bring.
These things were also exacerbated by the fact that little Minnie was a wonderful surprise, but was not planned. By nature I am very methodical and like a good plan so this threw me somewhat.
Anyhow, after I had Minnie I was elated. It's an absolute hormonal roller coaster and that was a bit of a struggle but in general things were ok.My husband had just started in his new position so he took a week of as holiday and then returned to work. I remember being worried before he went back that I might be lonely, or that I might not be able to find lots of friends for Minnie.
I threw myself into motherhood and did everything 'right'. I hardly used a dummy, didn't use a 'swing', didn't allow her to be entertained by the TV. Took her to the groups, the lunches, swimming, massage - you name it, we did it!
And yet I still didn't feel I was doing a good job. I didn't feel as though my baby was happy.
There were numerous symptoms but I suppose these were some of the key things:
- I wanted to be busy. ALL THE TIME. I struggled to be at home with my baby.
- I couldn't ask for help.
- I was overly concerned about what other people thought about my baby and what they thought of me as a mother.
- I cried so much. To the point where even when I was looking after my stepson for the day I just couldn't stop.
- I felt like my baby was always crying. As though she never let up, when really she was pretty good.
- I was unable to make simple decisions.
- I had funny thoughts. At one point I thought to myself that if she didn't wake up it wouldn't matter.
I eventually cracked when I was speaking to my husband on the phone. He'd seen me in a bit of a mess but told me to snap out of it. He was trying to be helpful as he felt what I needed was a pep talk. When I told him the last point about my funny thoughts he pushed me to make a doctors appointment.
When I went into the GP it was pretty apparent what was happening and I was diagnosed with post natal depression. The doctor didn't speak to me much and I was prescribed an anti depressant.
When I went to collect my medication I was told that I couldn't have the prescription as I was breastfeeding. Unfortunately the pharmacist was a bit old school in the way she thought and decided to take it upon herself to tell me that what I actually needed to do was have more rest and look after myself more.
Sadly in my fragile state I took this to heart and decided to carry on. This was the worst thing I could have done.
The final straw came when I visited my health visitor to have the baby weighed. By this point Minnie was around 5.5-6 months old, which is the time PND becomes most apparent. I absolutely went to pieces and the health visitor was incredible. I dread to think where I would have ended up without her help.
She booked to come out and see me in my home the very next day. She went through everything with me, telling me that it was not my fault, that I was actually unwell and had a chemical imbalance in my brain so I couldn't stop it.
There is a scoring system called the Edinburgh scale which she took me through and found I was 27/30 on the scale. The only thing I wasn't experiencing was thoughts of harming myself, and she warned me that these could come and told me to call her if I needed to.
Because of the severity of my depression she phoned my doctor and told them of a medication you can take while breast feeding, and told them to have the prescription ready for me to go and collect. I talked about not wanting to become dependent on the medication and she explained to me that it was unlikely that would happen but that I couldn't come off them cold turkey. But she also put things into perspective for me - there was nothing stopping me from taking them forever. There is lots of stigma surrounding anti depressants and not relying on them, but if they enable you to enjoy your life, your child, your partner why shouldn't you? All for the sake of what someone else thinks.
She put forward other methods in line with the medication which included counselling and baby massage-to help bonding. She checked Minnie over and found that her development was good. She was slightly delayed on copying, probably because I hadn't engaged with her quite as much as I should have, but assured me that this would get better as soon as I began to feel better.
And feel better I soon did. I took the medication, and due to the upcoming stress of returning to work and then subsequent events I have decided I am not ready to come off it yet. I am comfortable with that.
I feel that during my PND breastfeeding saved me as it enabled me to still feel like a Mum in at least one way. I was lucky that I could do this and I fundamentally disagree with the pressure put on Mums. I can't see how in the hormonal turmoil you're in after having a baby, that pressure is in any way beneficial. I now know of friends that were pushed over the edge into depression by this exact pressure. Don't listen and do what is right for you and your baby. Your baby needs you happy more than anything else.
I am also only just now telling people what I went through. I know part of the illness itself is that you don't open up. I told three people at the time it was happening. I also discovered another lady I knew was suffering from PND at the same time as me. I didn't tell her that I was and I spoke to my health visitor about the fact I felt a little guilty for not sharing my own story. She assured me that I was doing the right thing for me - I needed to protect myself first and foremost.
Anyway, this is a HUGE post. Please do let me know if you have any questions. I'm not a guru but I can just tell you about my own experience.
Lucy x
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